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I closed the chapter from globe trotting Dominatrixing as well as mixed wrestling. But I will always need my girlfriend time in the future. I will always need solo camera time to reinvent the fetish wheel and be a sexy goofball.

See, the Dia part of me can never go away. It's always a part of my life. I simply allowed it to consume me which is a mixture of good and not so good. I feel like I'm rested and at the same time restless, which means having my avenue of creativity in conjunction of discovering that comfort of home and normalcy, I'm thinking I am going to find that balance. Did I confuse you? I think I just confused myself. As a model and performer I know I'm not the only one that can be caught up in the euphoria of the moment. (And when you land, compose yourself, well that's the moment of clarity pounding on your forehead saying..."hey! Be a girl and smell the damn roses!") Blogging what is and has been unfolding in my mind really is a conundrum but it's a part of growth.

I'm thankful and just happy 2012 brings the much needed calm and new avenues that really meet as one. What direction? Who knows. I'm sticking with the plan to do what's right. Not as often, you will see some of that shining thru my little clips and my little forum of a blog here.

And who new in Pittsburgh, I can still do all of that? In the upcoming clips releases, Dixie Comet and I had sploshing, FemDomme POV, roleplay wrestling & tease and denial. We didn't have a chance to play with balloons this time around but as we are quasi neighbors, I think we will have more time next month. I really appreciate our friendship and look forward to meeting more of the east coast kinksters this year!

I deleted most of my social networks aside from Twitter and Fetlife. I deleted most of my email accounts. So say hello on twitter and don't be a stranger. This vast gorgeous life we all have is influenced by who we allow to share it. Life is too short and I plan to just take each day the dorky way as well as create when it feels...mmm right!

xo
Dia

Since I moved back to Pittsburgh I sort of adopted a family that has had a lot of hardship and for me helping one family is like helping in any charity or volunteer work. Helping one will make a difference and the contributions I received for Thanksgiving were much appreciated!

My existing chickenpurse has had a great adventure thru Europe to present and it's time to auction off for a great cause! Beginning today and ending Sunday December 18th, you are invited to bid on my chicken!

As Christmas time gets closer, I really want to help make a change for a family in need in Pittsburgh. She is a widowed mom with two young children. This ongoing auction has begun today on twitter and the highest bid so far is at $55. Paypal only and the winner will recieve my autographed #chickenpurse as well as additional treats. In the spirit of Christmas and in the Spirit of my happy Chicken, your contribution will help folks that can have a special Christmas.

Thanks so much for your help!

xo
Dia

ps. ChickenPurse will continue on with ChickenPurse 4.0!

In September I was planning a whirlwind of work across the US and in UK and Europe. With the news of my grandfather's health declining, it was one of my many reality checks. Can I ethically go work and not attend his funeral when it happens? Emphatically NO! I missed out on saying goodbye to the love of his life, my Grandma over 4 years ago and to this day my heart hurts that I was "too busy moving and starting my Dia Zerva career." At the time I had $40 to my name but I could have made the effort to borrow money for a plane ticket home and pay my respects. Yes, I feel criminal for not being there. I feel selfish to this day. And although she is somewhere up in the sky looking down on me, I know she forgives me. I know that she understands my environment then was not a pretty place. But I'm in a pretty place now. I am there for her husband holding his hand, playing silly songs and forcing him to do lottery scratchers to build up the mobility of his hands from his series of strokes. I see in his eyes that his days are almost outnumbered but he still has the strength to give me his love and muster a smile just for me.

It's not just my grandfather dying at the moment that has convinced me to cease, it's finding Love Real Love. With my past partners, my work was pimped/exploited/used against me and the relationships themselves suffered from this layer of myself. It suffered in other areas too but I knew then I wouldn't stop being Dia if they asked me to stop. I look back at these relationships and know now that it wasn't Love REAL Love. They were phases of emotional highs and lows with which I am thankful that they have ended. People do walk into your life for a reason but now I am in a place in my heart to simply let go and not look back. The money isn't worth it. I made my friendships which I will always cherish, but the passion has metamorphosed into new creative outlets for me. Outlets I left so long ago singing within me.

Since I have been home, magic has happened in my life. I found someone, "The One" who has all the kinks, freaks, musical talent, attractiveness and dorkiness I have always wanted in a partner. My Daddy. I never realized a simple date would change my life, but it has. It was the welcomed wrench in my undying motor. It saved me from the emanate CRASH which I was going to have because I hid in work and Gypsy living. The travel was beautiful but something always felt out of place, a familiar tune that I would hum and hum but couldn't place. He has more than anyone will know. It wasn't persuasion. It was unconditional love and acceptance. And I made the choice to say goodbye to Dia from within and not influenced by that Love. The song has a name now. It's all free will. It's all free will to live a life with my Man that has the passion, romance, fire and D/s I have hungered for so long...to be owned as well as cherished.

I almost lost that a couple weeks ago when I was scared. It's so easy to throw up walls but if you see the sunshine peaking thru the mortar there is hope. Hand in hand we sledgehammed!

As we have grown together and continue to grow together, everything I did which I thought was normal began to become "personal." The sessions, the porn and now even simple solo clips well I feel like keeping the lights out for my private life. My private life will have a red light on and I can be crazier and uninhibited with my partner in crime without the camera. Did you realize 95% of my BDSM experiences were documented? Did you realize how much you got to see the submission and Dominant side of me as I had no real connection off stage to express it? I don't regret it one bit but it shocks me at times when I think about it. But I have found my Daddy and I have found the Man I am planning to spend the rest of my life with. I look forward to traveling without a schedule and see cities not from hotel windows, but hand in hand one sidewalk and one site at a time.

My creative juices are wet in other places. I enjoy monogamy and I enjoy looking in the mirror without my Dia Zerva mask and seeing the naughty girl right there smiling finally a baby girl and finally a Lady.

Smiling
And saying

I missed you.

Smiling
And saying

It's about time.

With that being said, I want to thank so many people in the business, outside of the business, fans, friends and family for listening whether or not you wanted to, being there to help me explore and just being a part of that chapter in my life as well as being in my new chapter. I may not log onto twitter as often but I will always pop in to say hello. My clips4sale stores will be closing this month and MistressDiaZerva.com will be slowly waning after the last of the updates are in place. It feels right to say goodbye but I will be writing more about my new chapter on my blog and there will be snip its of what I am doing. Oh, and definitely the music!

What happens next? Well I have kept memoirs of my porn and session work and have been building my story. I have been stitching it together for some time. I will publish it along with photos and chicken purse and all I want to do is share it. Share what I learned. You will laugh as well as cry. My life has music again. I'm singing and playing my guitars. My life has creative endeavors which isn't the porno paycheck but is rewarding. I have vanilla jobs and get a kick at realizing how much I have been a small business owner/entrepreneur. The Dominatrix shines when caring for the elderly. It all connects...and...

My life has Love, Real real Love.

Thru the adventures of exploration in sex, self and travel, I am home and I have found HAPPINESS..

Ever evolving and ever growing, do keep in touch as my twitter account will always be there.

Much love and gratitude,
dia

When you put yourself in the comfort of your own fear you realize your fears prevent your true potential. Words can kill all that's real. Monitor yourself with what you say, as fear can speak out, can lash out, can be masked as your protector when it's out only to consume you. Instead of speaking from fear be it love, career goals, facing people you have had hardship with, consider this... rephrasing. Ask for help. Ask for guidance. Describe what you are feeling. If those ears have the right intent their hand will reach out as you articulate. As you open yourself in your admission of guilt and faults.

I fucked up. Will I learn from it? Yes. Will I be hurt from it? Indefinitely. I'm driven by passion and in passion I can react in ways that are as extreme as as in my passion for my love to that person. It's burned me then. It's burned me now. Yet when I woke this morning, I never felt this extreme isolation knowing there won't be an accepted apology. There won't be a future with him. I created a damage that disappoints me more than anything in my life. I will cry, I will cry, and I will cry. Once the initial pain wanes, perhaps then I will grow from all of this. Perhaps then I will become the girl I wanted to be. Just unconditional love and happiness. A partnership with a Man one day that will be creative in all aspects, have the D/s dynamic, the music and the romance and the sheer dorkiness.

Am I a black widow notorious for their blood thirsty courtship? Do I have a violent mating ritual killing my victim with my venom of fear, eating them in entirety for my lust of love? Extreme as it sounds and extreme in how if feels to as I write, I feel like I stung myself in the process and tasted my own venom as it has all back fired. Like the black widow, the web I weaved in essence trapped me into a loophole of fear and insecurity, a blanket of false comfort. And now that I see the relation of it, my thick heels squash my black widow once and for all. Squash it as the last of the damage has been done. Isolate the bite and feel the venom fade as the numbness wanes. Treat the bite. Treat it with the well deserved love and devotion it needs to be in order to heal. I will never be that black widow again. I will never weave a web of fear to trap me again or love again and I will move freely and openly becoming the girl I know I can be, fang venom free.

"To Z"

It's been winter in my heart
Iced over as the numbnes was
My blind guided friend
Disguised to betray me
Thawing to destroy me
Aiming to eliminate
The chance to feel the sun.

My grave mistakes
A foolish comfort
Takes tole
The heart I give
The heart you stole

Forgiveness
Is it a merit
For the deeds done
From patterned flakes
Wishing to melt in your mouth
Not layer on layers
Compacting what needs not
To be winter in my heart?

Don't let me waste way
What you do and believe in me
Don't let me waste way
Share your sun
Share your love
Open me to how I can really be
How I grow in want for me to be

You and me....

My soul filled apologies I hope
Never to fall on def ears
You opened me
And yet
And yet...

Why haven't I let go
Of Patterns
I have been severing.

I want to always be your girl.
Be Owned
By only You.
So quickly
So naturally
These growing pains
Never fail to disappoint again.

Never feel your neglect.
Just you.
Your touch.
Your love.
And I will give back
I will give back...

Tenfold devotion to you.

If it was Real Love then he will forgive me after my fatal bite? If it wasn't love then it's meant to that someone is out there for me that would forgive me if I reacted that way...returning to the comfort of being the Black Widow. Hand in hand, boots and heels we squash it together?

I am human and all I write I know that I will make mistakes again. I will get up after I fall. I will scrape off the embedded dirt, wash the wounds and feel the sting, but my flesh will heel. The sting inside, the pain inside will subside and it will be light again.

I'm sorry Z. Will you forgive me?

........................

"Lover, you should have come over."
Jeff Buckley

Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water

Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know

Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...

So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.

Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,
She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...

But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...

Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.

Thank you T for sharing this poem with me....

Emily Dickinson

The Soul selects her own Society
Then shuts the Door
To her divine Majority
Present no more

Unmoved she notes the Chariots pausing
At her low Gate
Unmoved an Emperor be kneeling
Upon her Mat

I've known her from an ample nation
Choose One
Then close the Valves of her attention
Like Stone

So I never really wrote it, I never really said, I usually show it and at the same time I really didn't need to say it. My bottom submissive shoot days well, that was in the previous chapter. I love bottoming, I love to submit, but that's progressed into something virginal to me. It's become personal like shooting boy girl porn became. I love session work. But again, the emotion, the exchange has become too personal to me that I step back and carry on...close the valve of my attention and keep open the valve the attention towards me, progressing of me.

I promised myself 4 years ago when I set foot into porn to stop if it doesn't feel right. Stop if it's just for a paycheck. Stop if you know it will change you and burn you out. I loved every experience I have had. I am so thankful I have bottomed for so many skilled riggers and performers that truly opened a path to my Dominant side and truly gave me a fucking spine. With that solid fucking spine I step away from my Gypsy living and start living in sweet solitude and smelling the dead leaves, smelling the roses...creating differently and training not for a shoot but just for me.

So I politely decline. Yes it is a paycheck but my heart and being says it's not right anymore. That innocent school girl look, that girl next door look... I can be that rrr and in my civilian life I am the girl next door with that kinky dirty girl streak that always peeks out in day to day life.

What does this mean now? I was a Dominatrix who still shoots female cat fight and wrestling videos as well as a little bit of lesbian porn. I run my own clips4sale stores. And I am building a home while playing music again. Wallah!

So farewell clients in US, UK and Europe. You have helped me to grow. Farewell to many producers I enjoyed working and whom I may never see again. Don't be a stranger and thank you for the well wishes. I'm still here, but I'm taking the passenger seat looking out the window and smiling from all the good and all the bad and all the beauty and all the ugly I have tasted. I'll pop in to shoot for fun as that's a part of me but not all about me. Enrichment. Contentment. Inspired... so so inspired.

xo
Dia

It's so important to be true to yourself. Short term and long term goals are paramount but you have to come to your own conclusions which may not be in sync with those around you. If you live for others you lose your quest for home. You become someone else's home. That's not what life is about.

In every little city I go to I take time to be with friends and see their perspective of living in a place they have grown accustomed to routine. They have grown accustomed to waking to the same noises and sleeping to the same sounds of birds settling in trees or trains making breaking noises from afar. They walk or drive to work. They dine in their favorite places. They wine at their favorite hole in the walls. I have always been addicted to studying a city and the flows. I love watching strangers imagining what their routine is like and if they are happy with that routine. I see the benefits of routine yet I resist it. But I feel my resistance waning, I feel my curiousity isn't killing me it's chilling me.

So as I enjoy coffee, listening to this song on repeat, I kick my feet up, throwing a ball to the dog in between emails and feeling that change within. It's been over a year of NOT dedicating more of myself to my music and I think within writing new songs and singing the old ones...well a good cry and new laugh on life will certainly be welcome. Home for me is where I will find. There isn't a love that I need, just the love of myself as I grow and welcome doors I never considered keeping open.

Hope you enjoy this song as well.

Enjoy!
Dia

Her:
Alabama, Arkansas
I do love my ma and pa
Not that way that I do love you

Him:
Holy moley, me oh my
You're the apple of my eye
Girl, I've never loved one like you

Her:
Man, oh man, you're my best friend
I scream it to the nothingness
There ain't nothing that I need

Him:
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
Ain't nothing please me more than you

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
Mother, I'm coming home

Him:
I'll follow you into the park
Through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I never loved one like you

Her:
Moats and boats and waterfalls
Alleyways and pay phone calls
I've been everywhere with you

Him:
That's true
Laugh until we think we'll die
Barefoot on a summer night
Never could be sweeter than with you

Her:
And in the streets you run a-free
Like it's only you and me
Geez, you're something to see

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
Daddy, I'm coming home

(talking)
Him: Jade
Her: Alexander
Him: Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?
Her: I sure do, you came jumping out after me
Him: Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke your ass, you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
Her: Yes, I do
Him: Well, there's something I never told you about that night
Her: What didn't you tell me?
Him: While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you until just now

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is where I'm alone with you

Him:
Home
Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you

Her:
Ah, home
Yes I am home
Home is when I'm alone with you

Her:
Alabama, Arkansas
I do love my ma and pa
Moats and boats and waterfalls
Alleyways and pay phone calls

Both:
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home
Let me go home
Home is where I'm alone with you

xo Dia

September 18th Newark
September 19th Manhattan Only
September 28th San Francisco
October 3rd Detroit
October 5th Chicago
October 12th Baltimore
Octoer 13th-14th Washington DC
October 24th-25th Boston
November 8th-12th London
November 13th-15th Cologne
November 17th Munich
November 19th Vienna
November 22nd Zurich
November 24th Geneva
November 26th Milan
December 5th-7th Leeds & Manchester
December 8th-12th London

So let's see... where did I go? I will start with the easy ones first! (My rule is I must have stayed there for a day to qualify! In no particular order...)

Los Angeles
San Francisco
Sacramento
South Lake Tahoe
Las Vegas
Chicago
Houston
San Antonio
Denim NM
Detroit
Pittsburgh
New York City
Orlando
Miami
Boston
Washington DC
Toronto, Canada
Cave City, Kentucky
London
Manchester, UK
Leeds, UK
Cambridge, UK
Munich, Germany
Cologne, Germany
Budapest, Hungary
Gyor, Hungary,
Vienna
Berlin
Philadelphia
New Orleans

..... hmmmm I think I am missing places and many of those places I traveled too MANY TIMES .... but in all those places I experienced something special small to big, but memories that made this year in my life a beautiful one. I accomplished much and had expectations to tackle more but in reflection I did what I could the best.

I lost friends, I gained friends, I lost love, I gained love, I was injured, I was healed again, I was clumsy, I was graceful...I Dominated, I bottomed, I cried, I laughed, I slept in, I slept little... just being me.

This summer I spent some down time with my family in Pittsburgh. I think a piece that was missing was my family rrr I know now. It's difficult to juggle two separate lives but it is possible. I embraced my summer farmer tan and got bug bites. I played corn hole and recently watched demolition derby. I chopped wood and carried water.

I learned what an RSS feed actually was. I lost my kitty Mozart. I wrestled all over Europe on my 2nd trip and on my 1st trip enjoyed a shoot of a life time for Girlfriends films in Budapest. I learned to edit and shoot videos and now have clips4sale stores and paysites in the making....It's profound to me as I write what this year of my life brought about. I'm not trying to boast but make a time capsule so I don't forget.

So I'm a year older tomorrow...I feel the missing pieces are being filled and in my new age just ready to keep building and believing in my dreams!

What do I want for my birthday... just a happy balance between work and play!

Thank you for your continued support!

xoxo
Dia

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