Love REAL Love...

Looking back to how I have been writing the past six months, I see the pattern. The indication that the decision to leave porn, leave my work as a Dominatrix was truly around the corner. Did it really come this soon? Evolution really does catch up to you, knocks on your door when you least expect it.

In September I was planning a whirlwind of work across the US and in UK and Europe. With the news of my grandfather's health declining, it was one of my many reality checks. Can I ethically go work and not attend his funeral when it happens? Emphatically NO! I missed out on saying goodbye to the love of his life, my Grandma over 4 years ago and to this day my heart hurts that I was "too busy moving and starting my Dia Zerva career." At the time I had $40 to my name but I could have made the effort to borrow money for a plane ticket home and pay my respects. Yes, I feel criminal for not being there. I feel selfish to this day. And although she is somewhere up in the sky looking down on me, I know she forgives me. I know that she understands my environment then was not a pretty place. But I'm in a pretty place now. I am there for her husband holding his hand, playing silly songs and forcing him to do lottery scratchers to build up the mobility of his hands from his series of strokes. I see in his eyes that his days are almost outnumbered but he still has the strength to give me his love and muster a smile just for me.

It's not just my grandfather dying at the moment that has convinced me to cease, it's finding Love Real Love. With my past partners, my work was pimped/exploited/used against me and the relationships themselves suffered from this layer of myself. It suffered in other areas too but I knew then I wouldn't stop being Dia if they asked me to stop. I look back at these relationships and know now that it wasn't Love REAL Love. They were phases of emotional highs and lows with which I am thankful that they have ended. People do walk into your life for a reason but now I am in a place in my heart to simply let go and not look back. The money isn't worth it. I made my friendships which I will always cherish, but the passion has metamorphosed into new creative outlets for me. Outlets I left so long ago singing within me.

Since I have been home, magic has happened in my life. I found someone, "The One" who has all the kinks, freaks, musical talent, attractiveness and dorkiness I have always wanted in a partner. My Daddy. I never realized a simple date would change my life, but it has. It was the welcomed wrench in my undying motor. It saved me from the emanate CRASH which I was going to have because I hid in work and Gypsy living. The travel was beautiful but something always felt out of place, a familiar tune that I would hum and hum but couldn't place. He has more than anyone will know. It wasn't persuasion. It was unconditional love and acceptance. And I made the choice to say goodbye to Dia from within and not influenced by that Love. The song has a name now. It's all free will. It's all free will to live a life with my Man that has the passion, romance, fire and D/s I have hungered for so long...to be owned as well as cherished.

I almost lost that a couple weeks ago when I was scared. It's so easy to throw up walls but if you see the sunshine peaking thru the mortar there is hope. Hand in hand we sledgehammed!

As we have grown together and continue to grow together, everything I did which I thought was normal began to become "personal." The sessions, the porn and now even simple solo clips well I feel like keeping the lights out for my private life. My private life will have a red light on and I can be crazier and uninhibited with my partner in crime without the camera. Did you realize 95% of my BDSM experiences were documented? Did you realize how much you got to see the submission and Dominant side of me as I had no real connection off stage to express it? I don't regret it one bit but it shocks me at times when I think about it. But I have found my Daddy and I have found the Man I am planning to spend the rest of my life with. I look forward to traveling without a schedule and see cities not from hotel windows, but hand in hand one sidewalk and one site at a time.

My creative juices are wet in other places. I enjoy monogamy and I enjoy looking in the mirror without my Dia Zerva mask and seeing the naughty girl right there smiling finally a baby girl and finally a Lady.

Smiling
And saying

I missed you.

Smiling
And saying

It's about time.

With that being said, I want to thank so many people in the business, outside of the business, fans, friends and family for listening whether or not you wanted to, being there to help me explore and just being a part of that chapter in my life as well as being in my new chapter. I may not log onto twitter as often but I will always pop in to say hello. My clips4sale stores will be closing this month and MistressDiaZerva.com will be slowly waning after the last of the updates are in place. It feels right to say goodbye but I will be writing more about my new chapter on my blog and there will be snip its of what I am doing. Oh, and definitely the music!

What happens next? Well I have kept memoirs of my porn and session work and have been building my story. I have been stitching it together for some time. I will publish it along with photos and chicken purse and all I want to do is share it. Share what I learned. You will laugh as well as cry. My life has music again. I'm singing and playing my guitars. My life has creative endeavors which isn't the porno paycheck but is rewarding. I have vanilla jobs and get a kick at realizing how much I have been a small business owner/entrepreneur. The Dominatrix shines when caring for the elderly. It all connects...and...

My life has Love, Real real Love.

Thru the adventures of exploration in sex, self and travel, I am home and I have found HAPPINESS..

Ever evolving and ever growing, do keep in touch as my twitter account will always be there.

Much love and gratitude,
dia