Black Widow...

Pittsburgh my new home, new life, while the surface of my transition seems smooth sailing, beneath the rockiness of my past reminds me of how much hardship made me scar and react like the little girl hiding under the bed from the monsters. Will I always react in fear, especially when I let someone in too close? Really it's not fair. Really it's not who I am. Really it's not fair to love. We all have our fears. We all react immaturely or in ways that would shock others as they don't see that darkness in day to day or on camera or performing. It's easy to sever ties. It's easy to speak things in spite to create a shock. But once those words leak out of your mouth to ears that only have been a hero, a savior, you realize it's all unforgivable.

When you put yourself in the comfort of your own fear you realize your fears prevent your true potential. Words can kill all that's real. Monitor yourself with what you say, as fear can speak out, can lash out, can be masked as your protector when it's out only to consume you. Instead of speaking from fear be it love, career goals, facing people you have had hardship with, consider this... rephrasing. Ask for help. Ask for guidance. Describe what you are feeling. If those ears have the right intent their hand will reach out as you articulate. As you open yourself in your admission of guilt and faults.

I fucked up. Will I learn from it? Yes. Will I be hurt from it? Indefinitely. I'm driven by passion and in passion I can react in ways that are as extreme as as in my passion for my love to that person. It's burned me then. It's burned me now. Yet when I woke this morning, I never felt this extreme isolation knowing there won't be an accepted apology. There won't be a future with him. I created a damage that disappoints me more than anything in my life. I will cry, I will cry, and I will cry. Once the initial pain wanes, perhaps then I will grow from all of this. Perhaps then I will become the girl I wanted to be. Just unconditional love and happiness. A partnership with a Man one day that will be creative in all aspects, have the D/s dynamic, the music and the romance and the sheer dorkiness.

Am I a black widow notorious for their blood thirsty courtship? Do I have a violent mating ritual killing my victim with my venom of fear, eating them in entirety for my lust of love? Extreme as it sounds and extreme in how if feels to as I write, I feel like I stung myself in the process and tasted my own venom as it has all back fired. Like the black widow, the web I weaved in essence trapped me into a loophole of fear and insecurity, a blanket of false comfort. And now that I see the relation of it, my thick heels squash my black widow once and for all. Squash it as the last of the damage has been done. Isolate the bite and feel the venom fade as the numbness wanes. Treat the bite. Treat it with the well deserved love and devotion it needs to be in order to heal. I will never be that black widow again. I will never weave a web of fear to trap me again or love again and I will move freely and openly becoming the girl I know I can be, fang venom free.

"To Z"

It's been winter in my heart
Iced over as the numbnes was
My blind guided friend
Disguised to betray me
Thawing to destroy me
Aiming to eliminate
The chance to feel the sun.

My grave mistakes
A foolish comfort
Takes tole
The heart I give
The heart you stole

Forgiveness
Is it a merit
For the deeds done
From patterned flakes
Wishing to melt in your mouth
Not layer on layers
Compacting what needs not
To be winter in my heart?

Don't let me waste way
What you do and believe in me
Don't let me waste way
Share your sun
Share your love
Open me to how I can really be
How I grow in want for me to be

You and me....

My soul filled apologies I hope
Never to fall on def ears
You opened me
And yet
And yet...

Why haven't I let go
Of Patterns
I have been severing.

I want to always be your girl.
Be Owned
By only You.
So quickly
So naturally
These growing pains
Never fail to disappoint again.

Never feel your neglect.
Just you.
Your touch.
Your love.
And I will give back
I will give back...

Tenfold devotion to you.

If it was Real Love then he will forgive me after my fatal bite? If it wasn't love then it's meant to that someone is out there for me that would forgive me if I reacted that way...returning to the comfort of being the Black Widow. Hand in hand, boots and heels we squash it together?

I am human and all I write I know that I will make mistakes again. I will get up after I fall. I will scrape off the embedded dirt, wash the wounds and feel the sting, but my flesh will heel. The sting inside, the pain inside will subside and it will be light again.

I'm sorry Z. Will you forgive me?

........................

"Lover, you should have come over."
Jeff Buckley

Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water

Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know

Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...

So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.

Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,
She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...

But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...

Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.